So I've been asking around about pussy farting. About queefs. I've been searching high and low for hard facts. And nothing. I did come across a website boasting of Girls who like to smell Farts and eat Pussy Cheese. Not exactly helpful to my cause. What I have found is, there are plenty of uneducated people out there. Specifically Men.

I don't understand how men can be disgusted by a pussy fart, which in reality is not even a fart. It's this polite little sound that comes out of a twat. It's more of a... Thank you for humping me and thrusting all that air inside. And then comes this cute little Whooooosh of air. Men don't have any right to be all grossed out and make us ladies embarrassed about it. It's not even our fault. I'm certain any orifice would make a sound if you shoved something in it over and over and over again, real fast and hard.

Fact: Pussy farts don't even smell.  If they did they'd smell like candy or roses or peaches. There is no chance a queef would ever smell like hot garbage or rotting egg salad. Ew. A pussy fart is air only. Air smells like nothing. So there you go.

Fact: Pussy farting is fun.  You think all girls ever did at slumber parties was eat popcorn and talk about stupid boys?  Fuck no.  We get down on our hands and knees, squeeze our poons real tight and Whoooooooosh ourselves across the floor.  Or we lie on our backs and put our legs in the air as if we were doing that bicycle exercise, suck in our stomachs a bit then drop our legs real fast.  This helps make a nice sharp queef.  Something to be proud of.  Definitely.

Some girls know their shit when it comes to serious queefing, emitting blast after blast with ease. It sounds easy, but takes skill. Some say it's easier if you're loose. Others claim it's the control of your PC muscle that helps. Regardless, it is entirely possible, sometimes spontaneous and can be embarrassing if you whoooosh out of context. But it's funny, so don't get all sad about it and never call that guy/girl again for frapping your poon in their face. Go out with style. You'll give 'em another and they'll like it.  Dammit.

A good position for pussy farts is doggy style. Classically known to help thrust the cock further and deeper into the box, doggy style might be one of the key creators of cunt trumpet music. After being stuffed from behind, a girl can barely stand up without letting several phffffft frrrrrt pfffffft shhhhhhhhh mmmmfffffftttt toot tttttttfffffft noises out. Hopefully the one doing the stuffing knows how to handle this situation. It can be a bit embarrassing. Especially if it's the first fuck.

My weirdo friend Jimmy of Queens, N.Y. is a slut who would have sex with anything, so obviously he would be the one to answer my questions. "It's like real wet nasty sex even if the sex isn't real nasty and wet," he says. "You can get the same sound from like, two bellies rubbing together. When that happens it's just funny, like haha, our bellies farted. But pussy farts, that's like a real sexy sound."

Raymi: And how do you react when a girl queefs? Do you go, "That's ok" to make her feel not embarrassed or something?

Jimmy: No, I kinda make a groaning noise and start to fuck harder 'cause I like the sound.

Raymi:  Wow, that's nice.   I never though of it that way before.  I always considered a queef being like the final gong or closure to a sex-session.

Jimmy:  How could you stop fucking if it is like four queefs in a row or like, constant queefs for 5 minutes?

Raymi: That would be exhilarating if I could queef for five solid minutes.

Jimmy:  I would like, explode.

Raymi:  I'm glad there are queef-positive people like you out there.  It is very refreshing.

Jimmy: Thanks.  Anyway, I gotta go think about queefs now

Raymi: Yah, me too.

So with the subject of queefing fresh in mind, I met up with the boys for a few beers and made them confess how they felt about pussy farts.  They were well-lacquered before I even got there so I think it's safe to say their judgement was not accurate.

Raymi: So guys, I'm writing a piece on pussy farts...

Boy 1: You're serious? Why?

Raymi: Have you ever read anything about pussy farts before?

Boy 2: (Talking on cell phone but also listening to me at same time). What?! What? What!?! WHAT!?!

Boy 1: No I have never read anything about pussy farts.

Raymi: Well there you go.

Boy 2: I don't know what to say.  It's only happened once so I pretended it didn't even happen.

Boy 1: I think it is rude and disgusting.

Raymi: Oh shut up, all you ever read about is wrestling so what do you know.

Boy 2: (Looking uncomfortable) I don't know. I don't know. I think we need another pitcher.

Boy 1: Who the hell would publish something about pussy farts?

Raymi: Important people. The public needs to know about them.

Boy 2: Are you queefing right now!?! (Boy 1 and Boy 2 laugh real hard and high five each other then Boy 3 shows up)

Boy 3: What are you talking about?

Boy 1: Queefing

Boy 3: Oh yah, eh?

Raymi: What do you do when a girl queefs?

Boy 3: Are you serious?

Raymi: Yes.

Boy 3: I uhh, I have to decide whether I act like it didn't happen or feel embarrassed for her, like for sympathy points. 

Boy 2: Yah, exactly dude!

Raymi: Ok I don't want to talk about this anymore with you guys.

Boy 1: Good.

Raymi: Fine.

That didn't go exactly as planned. But you get the idea. Some are uneducated about queefs. And some are just, uneducated. 

So, you won't be banished to an island of gross frapping women if you queef a lot. You are not a weirdo and you are not alone.

fffft ffffft phhhhhhht phhhhhht

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