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"I’m not here to kick your ass, but if that’s what I end up doing, then so be it."
-1869, to U.S. congregation in Washington during ill-fated "friendly relations" tour.






Icons in Canadian History #67

Lewis Macmillan’s

Excellent Advice

  For Rocketpack

In 1847, North America's greatest philosopher was born in Humble, Ontario. Although his works are no longer read in high schools and few know his contribution to Western culture, his words carry weight to this day. Scholar, philanthropist, inspiration: These are just three words that can be used to describe the great thinker Lewis Macmillan. Here are a few of his favourite quotes...

"Alone and naked, man is weak and fragile. But give him a long metal bar, and self confidence won't be a problem."
-1863, "My Republic" (Moose Jaw Press)

"Some call me a visionary, and lo! it it true. I one day envision a global 'network' -- possibly accessed via the modern 'computerized counting machine' -- that will provide readily available free pornography. I only fear the horses may tire in their cross-country trek's carrying the prostitutes."
-1885, Speech to the Mayberry Woman's League

"I predict a successful national economy based on plentiful Maple Syrup and long-john production."
-1867, Overhead comment at the signing of the Canadian Confederation.

"Back that rotund arse up, wench! Daddy want me some-o-dat."
-1867, Overheard comment at the Canadian Confederation after-party orgy.

"You have to tackle life’s problems by the horns, or else life’s problems’ horns will find their way to your ass"
-1901, opening statement made during Montreal's first and last "Running of the Elk"

"Don’t fight fire with fire, because that will cause more fire. Unless it's an oil-well fire. But if it’s a common house fire, then call the fireman because those fellows are trained in that kind of thing. And... Yes? What do you mean what do I mean? No- NO I will not sit down, sir..."
-1912, Speech to Willmette High School graduating class

"Make sure you live your life to its fullest, because if you don’t you may end up dying before you’re even born."
-1898, "Things my Mother Told Me", (Moose Jaw Press)

"I am going to go out on a ledge and declare: We weren’t placed on this earth to merely “have fun”, but rather, we are here to amuse ourselves with enjoyable pursuits."
-1904, "Here's How I Interpret the Bible," Moose Jaw Press

"Don’t live your life in a vacuum when the world’s ready to explode into flowers of fruit."
-1912, Lower Canada Times, letter to the editor

"Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. Think about it! But not too much lest you become corrupted."
-1919, Forward to M. Hinkly's "On Understanding Human Ambition"

"The bible says: “Love thy neighbour.” However, I say: “Love thy neighbour’s wife”… if you know what I mean! I mean: I’d like to have sex with her! Seriously! I'd like to take my "little man", and show it to her! And then we'd... What? Stop interrupting me young man! Back to what I was saying: You should see her rump, it is round, oh my yes, round like a brand new- What do you mean I have to leave now...?"
-1925, Opening speech at the Montreal Olympic Games

"I am generally opposed to sending tigers to Mars."
-1954, after asked for comment on first Sputnik launch

"Yea, teaching children Arithmetic and the Sciences is a noble task. Yet, I ponder: is there not another, even more noble task suited to these energetic street urchins? Such a task as, oh... I don't know, making shoes? Cheap shoes I mean."
-1912, on the establishment of the Dept. of Education

"A picture is worth a thousand words, which for comparison, is about equal to a 4 page double-spaced university essay that was hastily typed the night before it was due. "
1934, Macmillan University commencement speech

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