Contraband can be an efficient way to pass the time. If you are like most cool people, you already take plenty of federally controlled substances. However, you may be limiting your intake due to budget restraints or a fear of trying new things. These limitations are unfounded. Money issues can be resolved by any number of means; don't forget unattended parked cars are an invaluable source of tax-free income. As far as your reluctance to try new things, that is something only you can come to terms with on your own. But just remember that this great nation wasn't built by people who were afraid of 'trying new things.' I just hope you can live with yourself with the knowledge that John A. Macdonald - Canada's first prime minister - is looking down on you from heaven and shaking his head at your pathetic display of reluctance (or looking up from hell, depending on whether or not God heard that "yellow peril" stuff).

Also, take no notice of critics who claim various drugs can cause tooth rot and genital shrinkage. So far this has not been proven in any laboratories that I've been associated with, and we can tell you right now that those are lies. Just like 'evolution.'

Far too often, people are not reforming the church. This was an extremely popular pastime of the middle ages, yet has become less fashionable in these modern devil-may-care times. One popular religion for reformation is the Catholic church; see if you can make yourself the second pope.

3.Become a Communist hunter:

Universities are a hotbed breeding ground for communists. Often mating with each other, these Reds multiply to extreme numbers and cause havoc to the ecosystem. One of the best way to hunt commies is by luring them into the open with attractive looking leaflets and raisin bran cookies. Remember, communism = not us.

The one and only thing that separates us humans from the animals is the fact that we can build a machine that insulates us from the real (ie: messy/unscripted) world. Trying to escape the terrible mess that we have made of our own lives has become an art (in fact, it is art) dating back from ancient Greece and Roman theatre, to the various novels and stories that kept us occupied right up through the 19^th century. Finally we have achieved the human dream: to live better lives without doing any of the hard work. You have the greatest human achievement sitting on a table in your living room, so feel free to go home to use it. Unless of course, someone has already stolen it for drug money.

WORDS GAVIN WILLIAMS