The Modern day
(or, How I learned to stop worrying and love the beer bong)
Larry awoke to the sound of running water. He opened his eyes and saw that an avocado coloured porcelain bathroom surrounded him. He also noted, to his surprise, that he was lying in a bathtub (although he was vaguely sure wasn’t his own). Suddenly, a voice from behind him said:
He looked over and saw his friend Nigel using the toilet.
Thoughts moving at glacial speeds began to rearrange themselves inside Larry’s head. He began to remember… a party at Nigel’s house, a beer bong, a girl named Cathy, more beer bong, more girl named Cathy, more beer bong, more beer bong.
“Cathy!” Larry exclaimed, remembering the least painful part of last night.
Nigel finished, shook, and zipped up.
Larry looked down, and sure enough he was nude. Nigel continued:
Larry thought hard. Cathy had been his secret crush since they first met at work. She was an
accountant on the 10th floor, and he worked the mailroom. It’d taken him weeks to get up the courage to ask her out. She truly was a special girl.
“She must hate me now. I think I’ll just go get a waffle out your fridge or something,” said Larry as he climbed out the bathtub.
Nigel looked him in the eye.
Larry shook his head. It was useless. Plus he had no clothes.
They clothed him in the finest shirt and pair of pants that Nigel could find in his wardrobe that wasn’t dirty. Reluctantly, nudged by Nigel, Larry left the house and went on his quest to find Cathy and apologize.
Larry’s first stop was Rutiger’s house. Rutiger was the wise, yet cryptic old Human Resource manager at work. If anyone knew where Cathy lived, it would be he.
Larry looked up at the sun. “Wait, that tells me nothing. Where is that?”
It was early morning so Larry started walking west, in the opposite direction to the growing orange sunrise. The streets were dark
and lonely. He heard dogs barking.
Larry nodded. “Shoot”
“yes,” lied Larry.
The doorman nodded his head.
Larry thought, and scratched his head. “Cathy!”
Larry bit his lip “Gibson.”
“No wait,” said Larry quickly, “I meant Anderson!”
The doorman went inside and locked the door.
Larry acted quickly “No wait, I’m sorry. It's not my fault, it’s Nigel, he’s a bad influence on me. Give me another try, I promise I won’t get naked again until you say so.”
“We can go get waffles for breakfast if you’d like?” Larry quickly added.
“I’ll pay,” Said Larry, contorting his face muscles to a close approximation of a sad puppy face. Cathy looked deep into his eyes.
“Ok.” Said Larry as he climbed through the window, and waited for Cathy to get dressed. Then they went – together – back into town for waffles, eggs, and sausage patties-
Which Cathy paid for, because Larry had lost his wallet. But he promised to pay her back later, which he did, and they lived happily ever after.