By Gavin

Read more at Rocketpack

The Modern day

Greek Epic

               of Larry

(or, How I learned to stop worrying and love the beer bong)


Larry awoke to the sound of running water. He opened his eyes and saw that an avocado coloured porcelain bathroom surrounded him. He also noted, to his surprise, that he was lying in a bathtub (although he was vaguely sure wasn’t his own). Suddenly, a voice from behind him said:

“Good morning,” 

He looked over and saw his friend Nigel using the toilet. 

“Hey Larry, 
We had wondered where you’d got to last night. 
You were so hammered. 
I didn’t expect to find you in my bath, though.”

Thoughts moving at glacial speeds began to rearrange themselves inside Larry’s head. He began to remember… a party at Nigel’s house, a beer bong, a girl named Cathy, more beer bong, more girl named Cathy, more beer bong, more beer bong.

“Cathy!” Larry exclaimed, remembering the least painful part of last night. 

Nigel finished, shook, and zipped up. 

“What, 
you mean that chick from work you spent half the night attached to? 
Well, after you took your clothes off 
and started dancing around the house,
she went home.”

Larry looked down, and sure enough he was nude. Nigel continued:

“Dude, you should go find her. 
She was cute, and I think she liked you.
And you know how girls usually avoid you.”

Larry thought hard. Cathy had been his secret crush since they first met at work. She was an accountant on the 10th floor, and he worked the mailroom. It’d taken him weeks to get up the courage to ask her out. She truly was a special girl. 

But yet, go find her? Surely she must hate him now.

“She must hate me now. I think I’ll just go get a waffle out your fridge or something,” said Larry as he climbed out the bathtub.

Nigel looked him in the eye. 

“You idiot. 
How many chances do you get with a woman like Cathy? 
Huh? Huh? Huh? 
One! That’s how many! 
And you were lucky to get even that. 
Remember your last girlfriend, “Big Angry Bertha”? 
That’s the kind of woman you’re likely to end up with.”

Larry shook his head. It was useless. Plus he had no clothes.

Nigel growled, 

“I’ll give you some clothes, boy, and then go! 
Go find Cathy! 
Buy her waffles. At a restaurant. With your own money.”

They clothed him in the finest shirt and pair of pants that Nigel could find in his wardrobe that wasn’t dirty. Reluctantly, nudged by Nigel, Larry left the house and went on his quest to find Cathy and apologize.

***

Larry’s first stop was Rutiger’s house. Rutiger was the wise, yet cryptic old Human Resource manager at work. If anyone knew where Cathy lived, it would be he.

“Oh aye, I knoow that wee lass. 
Ah lurvly gerl is she. 
Once brought me a card on me birfday, 
Remembered when no one else did, I’ll tell ya that much, yah yah. 
She’s lurvly. 
But ya wanna ffind her do ya now? Huh? 
Well, I canna tell ya this much, I can indeed,
She lives in the castle by where the sun goes down.”

Larry looked up at the sun. “Wait, that tells me nothing. Where is that?”

“Where the sun goes down. Find the sun! The suuuun! And the castle.”

***

It was early morning so Larry started walking west, in the opposite direction to the growing orange sunrise. The streets were dark and lonely. He heard dogs barking.

He continued his journey, until finally he reached the edge of the city, and the edge of the land itself. He looked out over the ocean. He’d gone west as far as he could go, and he could go no more. 

He cursed the gods. The cryptic old Rutiger had sent him in the wrong direction! There was no castle here. He turned around to start going back, when he saw, outlined by the rising sun, the Castle Village Apartment Buildings. He ran excitedly to the front door to get in, but blocking his path was a doorman in a deep red suit, who said:

“To gain entrance to the Castle Village Apartment Buildings, 
without a key,
three questions of mine,
must you answer me.”

Larry nodded. “Shoot”

“Question number one:
Is the person 
who you wish to seek
expecting you?”

“yes,” lied Larry.

The doorman nodded his head.

“Very well.
Question number two:
What is the name
Of the person you seek?”

Larry thought, and scratched his head. “Cathy!”

“Very well.
This, is the final question.
If you answer correctly,
Access, you will be given

What is the last name of the person you seek?”

Larry bit his lip “Gibson.”

“Incorrect. There is no Cathy Gibson here. Goodbye”

“No wait,” said Larry quickly, “I meant Anderson!”

“No.”

“Richardson?”

“No.”

Pause.

“Anderson?”

The doorman went inside and locked the door.

Yet Larry wasn't about give up hope. He went around the back and climbed the fire escape. Tapping on people’s windows as he went, he had no luck finding Cathy. Until, that is, he reached the final floor. 

He tapped upon the pane of glass and called her name. And lo! Cathy came to the window (with slightly haggard hair), and said:

“Larry, what do you want?
I’m not talking to you
You embarrassed us both,
And now, we’re through.”

Larry acted quickly “No wait, I’m sorry. It's not my fault, it’s Nigel, he’s a bad influence on me. Give me another try, I promise I won’t get naked again until you say so.”

Cathy stood silent, for what seemed like an eternity. Until finally she said:

“I don’t know,
You’re kind of a fool
My friends have warned me against boys like you,
Especially the type who –“

“We can go get waffles for breakfast if you’d like?” Larry quickly added.

“Well, I –“ 

“I’ll pay,” Said Larry, contorting his face muscles to a close approximation of a sad puppy face. Cathy looked deep into his eyes.

“Oh, Larry, you’re so sweet,
Just no more parties, ok?”

“Ok.” Said Larry as he climbed through the window, and waited for Cathy to get dressed. Then they went – together – back into town for waffles, eggs, and sausage patties-

Which Cathy paid for, because Larry had lost his wallet. But he promised to pay her back later, which he did, and they lived happily ever after.

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