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July 23, 2005
Let's talk Quantum Physics
So it turns out that precocious little theory, known as Quantum Physics to it's friends, now dictates that were we to go back in time, we wouldn't be able to change anything if it has already been observed as happening in our present.
This is because once once something has been observed as occurring, its possibility of occurring then shrinks to one (ie: it will happen). In other words, If you've seen your neighbor's dog crapping on your lawn, you can't go back in time and stop him from doing it, because his pooping ways have been observed and therefor that brown patch on your grass is unfortunately guaranteed. However, if you suspect that your neighbor himself is crapping on your lawn, but you have no proof of this, then you may be able to go back in time and stop him, because his slightly-psychotic act hasn't been observed.
But you may be wondering, "Gavin, this is all very interesting, but what is its relevance in my everyday life?" Here's how this affects you and I:
Stop crapping on my goddamn lawn.
Posted by gavin at 01:34 PM
July 22, 2005
Join the HOT Squad Crew!
I'm job hunting right now, which I'm sure you can imagine is nothing but a nightmare in these tight economic times.
So I was trawling craigslist, which incidentally is the best way to find the worst jobs, when I found this little gem.
It's a recruitment for the "Excel HOT Squad Crew". At first, I was skeptical with the whole idea of joining something call the HOT Squad, but then I read the posting:
"The Excel Inferno HOT Squad will identify HOT, will define HOT, will reward HOT and will sample HOT. They will be combing the city looking for the hottest dance moves around while handing out samples of Excel's new gum flavour, Inferno."
Mmm, tempting. Yet (and as I suspect most of you are also wondering), what exactly is the criteria for being HOT? What exactly do the the HOT Squad Crew do? And of course, is there somehow a Gorilla involved? Anticipating our burning questions, they continue:
"Outside the clubs, a fully-wrapped vehicle will pull up and the back of the van will open. Music will be playing with lights and a disco ball, creating an outdoor dance floor. The Gorilla will be showing his dance moves and getting the crowd involved. The other crew members will be handing out samples and encouraging the crowd to dance with the Gorilla.
We are looking for someone to fill the Gorilla role"
Bingo.
Of course, I'm not sure what a "fully-wrapped vehicle" might be, or for that matter why a gorilla would be jumping out of it to hold impromptu dance competitions, or (and I fear I may be showing my lack of intellect by wondering this out loud), what this has to do with chewing gum.
However, remember: somewhere, somehow, someone is making an obscene amount of money coming up with ideas like this.
And we need to kill him.
Posted by gavin at 12:23 AM
July 09, 2005
Heart
Some say I have the heart of a mountain lion, but I say no, I have the heart of a man. It's an important distinction. But, if one day my manheart were to fail, and I was given the choice between a mountain lion heart and a baboon heart, and if the doctors told me the baboon heart would save my life while the lion heart would be instantly rejected, I'd go with the baboon heart.
Posted by gavin at 11:05 AM
July 08, 2005
I'm a man now
Horay! It's my birthday today, and what special present did I give to myself?
If you said "pornography" then you know me all too well, old friend.
Talking about pornography, I'm thinking of branching out into 3-Dimensional porn, such as sensual statuettes, erotic origami and naughty wood whittlings. I was also thinking of finding myself a girlfriend, but then again I don't want people thinking I'm some kind of pervert.
Posted by gavin at 03:38 PM
July 06, 2005
He's the Captain of the Starship
Much to my delight, I stumbled across this page about William Shatner's rare second LP. As you can see from the photo, it's a very classy affair, as you would expect from an album titled "Captain of the Starship."
And that futuristic gun he's holding? It's actually the bottom of a camera tripod. Of course, now that you know this, you won't be able to ever again look at this photo without seeing a sad man, at the lowest point of his career, holding a tripod the wrong way around.
Posted by gavin at 06:01 PM
Lube Job
Scientists have invented a new lube that promises nearly zero friction. Oh ladies, methinks you have no more excuses.
Posted by gavin at 05:50 PM
July 02, 2005
I'm in debt! (or, I have a hot new car!)
This is my awesome new Toyota Matrix. Well priced, stylish and great gas mileage: I shall love it more tenderly than I have ever loved womanflesh (or to put it another way, if you're going to come round and visit, call first).
Posted by gavin at 08:58 PM
July 01, 2005
Happy Canada Day
Here's a shout out to C-Dawg, my homie and native land.
Interesting but not-well-know Canadian Fact: The Canadian constitution has a passage that reads "We the people of this great land of Canada, in one voice united under the flag, declare this indivisible truth: We Likes us the Boobies and the Beer."
It's good to be Canadian.
Posted by gavin at 03:42 PM