I can't help but be disappointed by how Elisha Cuthbert, after all this time, is still not my girlfriend. Clearly, I've done all I can to win her affections... watching her on tv, writing her name over and over again in my binder, stroking her hair as she sleeps... no wait, forget you heard that last one.

I'm starting to suspect maybe this isn't a match made in heaven. So therefore, I hereby announce I have decided to move on. Sorry Elisha, but I have a new love: the talented and wonderful...

Scarlett Johansson

That's right, the star of the film "Lost in Translation." Why are we the perfect match? Here's a telling clip from her bio:

"Scarlett Johansson knows what she wants and what she likes and goes after it, she isn't in Hollywood to become famous but rather to build a lasting career."

Wow. That's like, totally what I would have written on my own celebrity bio, if I was a celebrity, and had a bio. Clearly, from this evidence alone, we should be an item.

"Ahah!", as some of you more cynical types are no doubt thinking, "could this Scarlett Johansson thing be some deviously clever ploy on Gavin's part to make Elisha Cuthbert jelous and then fall in love with him?"

Nonsense, I tell you. Nonsense.

Although... were both Elisha and Scarlett were to fall in love with me, then well... that would be a bit of a pickle, wouldn't it? I guess the three of us would just have to rent out a hotel room, open a glass of wine, put on some soft music, and talk things out like mature adults.

What's that? You both feel stressed out by the whole situation? Let Big Daddy make things right...

Ladies, I already have the hotel room booked. You know how to get in touch with me.