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Who Loves Ya, Baby?

It's easy to hate. All you need to do is find a group of people who are somehow different from you, and start hating them for it. It is nothing to be ashamed of; every human has been doing it since the beginning of humanity.

Unfortunately, in these 'enlightened' times, we have run into problems in finding groups to rally against. Oh sure, we've had a good time of it with most of the various minority groups, but it doesn't take long before they get bored and declare they're not playing anymore (and in fact, had stopped playing quite some time ago).

We are suddenly left with a gap in our schedule which we could have otherwise happily filled with hatred. So the question is: which minority should be the object of our scorn now? Ideally, we need to find a group of people that won't stand up for themselves, and who won't try and "educate" us, showing how fundamentally "similar" we all are. We need to find a group of people that don't speak our language, or, if they do, then they should be pathetically bad at it. We need a group of people who look so different from us, that we can't form any kind of identification between us and them.

It would appear that we have squandered our supply of peoples to whom we can be the subject of our prejudice. That is, all but one group.

Babies.

Who do babies think they are? They're chubby, noisy... lazy. They just hang around the house all day, having people wait on them hand and foot. And you know, none of them have jobs. And what about the vomit? Always with the vomit. Are they drunk? I don't know. But when they walk, they sure do fall over a lot. And when they do throw up, they don't even try to get to a bucket in time. No, they will just spew-up wherever they are at that moment - on the carpet, in their dinner, over themselves - in clear defiance of proper social conduct. And don't even get me started on the other half of their digestive cycle. They listen to their Barney albums 'till all hours of the afternoon. And what about their faces? Don't they know they look like walnuts? Huh? Don't they? And let me tell you, they are all illiterate.

There are places for babies, and they're called NURSERIES. If they can just stay in there then I'll be happy.

The sad truth is that one day, babies too shall probably rise-up and tell us to pull our act together. We are fast running out of people to hate, and this is why I am throwing my full support behind SETI, the Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence. Damn those extra-terrestrial non-human entities! Who do they think they are...?